I'm sorry that I've been bad at posting... There's been so much going on.
I saw D on Tuesday night. We sat down to talk and eventually ended up in bed. Of course. In the morning when we got up we sorted through some things. There wasn't a real conclusion to anything. I'm not willing to be someone's back-burner girlfriend and he can't change the circumstances that prevent us from being to spend much time together. It was good to have an honest talk, without anyone getting angry. We seem to agree upon the facts that we love each other, but being together is a big challenge right now.
On Wednesday afternoon I got a call from E. His younger brother, who I love dearly, had tried to commit suicide. He was clearly distraught, and doesn't know what he can do from half way across the country. We agreed to meet for dinner.
We sat down together and things were close and friendly for a good part of the evening. We talked about his brother for a long time, what he could do to encourage him, what he can do to encourage his parents to take him seriously. Then we got off on several other tangents and before we knew it, it had progressed to midnight, and enough to drink later that driving might have been an issue. Besides, it was snowing wickedly, and E had a forty minute drive home.
I offered to let him stay, and we stayed at the bar for a while longer. When we got back to my place we were both wet from walking in the winter wonderland that was outside. I went into my bedroom to find him something to put on for the night to allow his wet clothes to dry. Like good children, we changed in separate rooms. When I walked out of the bedroom he was coming out of the bathroom. He smiled at me, pointing to his shirt, which was an old cheerleading shirt of mine. We both laughed and he hugged me, thanking me for taking time out for him. We ended up kissing, then in my bedroom with almost all our clothes off before we stopped to look at each other. We just sat there looking at each other for a minute. "Are you drunk?" he asked. I shook my head, saying "Not really, a little tipsy, not drunk though, you?" He shook his head "No."
Silence.
His hand reached out and touched my face. He smiled at me and kissed me gently. He took my hand and we snuggled up under the covers. We talked for a long time about why this happens with us. I suggested that it's because the sex is great. He smiled at me and agreed that the sex is great, but that's not why it happens for him. Neither one of us knew what to say. So he told me he still loves me. I whispered back that I still love him. Then I sat up, wriggling out of his arms. I looked straight at him and said; "I don't want a boyfriend now." He nodded; "You need to figure out YOU right now. I get that, and there's the fact that we both have people who matter in our lives." I agreed. "So what are we doing?" We both laughed, because we don't really know. Then we went to sleep.
In the morning he left for work early, and things were pretty comfortable.
I'm sticking with this thing where I want my own life. I'm tired of living my life according to what someone else wants. I love both of these guys a lot. But I love myself more. Whoever I end up with, whether it's either of them, or someone else, will be able to wait until I'm ready.
I saw D on Tuesday night. We sat down to talk and eventually ended up in bed. Of course. In the morning when we got up we sorted through some things. There wasn't a real conclusion to anything. I'm not willing to be someone's back-burner girlfriend and he can't change the circumstances that prevent us from being to spend much time together. It was good to have an honest talk, without anyone getting angry. We seem to agree upon the facts that we love each other, but being together is a big challenge right now.
On Wednesday afternoon I got a call from E. His younger brother, who I love dearly, had tried to commit suicide. He was clearly distraught, and doesn't know what he can do from half way across the country. We agreed to meet for dinner.
We sat down together and things were close and friendly for a good part of the evening. We talked about his brother for a long time, what he could do to encourage him, what he can do to encourage his parents to take him seriously. Then we got off on several other tangents and before we knew it, it had progressed to midnight, and enough to drink later that driving might have been an issue. Besides, it was snowing wickedly, and E had a forty minute drive home.
I offered to let him stay, and we stayed at the bar for a while longer. When we got back to my place we were both wet from walking in the winter wonderland that was outside. I went into my bedroom to find him something to put on for the night to allow his wet clothes to dry. Like good children, we changed in separate rooms. When I walked out of the bedroom he was coming out of the bathroom. He smiled at me, pointing to his shirt, which was an old cheerleading shirt of mine. We both laughed and he hugged me, thanking me for taking time out for him. We ended up kissing, then in my bedroom with almost all our clothes off before we stopped to look at each other. We just sat there looking at each other for a minute. "Are you drunk?" he asked. I shook my head, saying "Not really, a little tipsy, not drunk though, you?" He shook his head "No."
Silence.
His hand reached out and touched my face. He smiled at me and kissed me gently. He took my hand and we snuggled up under the covers. We talked for a long time about why this happens with us. I suggested that it's because the sex is great. He smiled at me and agreed that the sex is great, but that's not why it happens for him. Neither one of us knew what to say. So he told me he still loves me. I whispered back that I still love him. Then I sat up, wriggling out of his arms. I looked straight at him and said; "I don't want a boyfriend now." He nodded; "You need to figure out YOU right now. I get that, and there's the fact that we both have people who matter in our lives." I agreed. "So what are we doing?" We both laughed, because we don't really know. Then we went to sleep.
In the morning he left for work early, and things were pretty comfortable.
I'm sticking with this thing where I want my own life. I'm tired of living my life according to what someone else wants. I love both of these guys a lot. But I love myself more. Whoever I end up with, whether it's either of them, or someone else, will be able to wait until I'm ready.
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