First off I didn't think I could be so angry at people I've never met in real life.
When I read your blogs I realize that I don't know even the tiniest bit of what goes on in your real life. I only know exactly what you write. So when you say things that I think are you making unreasonable choices about things, I don't say, because I feel that you probably have your reasons (whether I agree with them or not) and I respect you enough to back off.
I also realize that the advice given is meant in the best way possible. But there comes a point when I think it moves beyond care and into disrespectful. Saying that having a baby with D would be a mistake because he'll end up leaving us both, or that he's using this a way out of our relationship feels disrespectful to me. In fact I laughed when I read both of those comments. If D wanted out, he'd say it. He's not really the type to beat around the bush.
I don't feel like I need to continue to explain myself here. However, I do feel it necessary to let you in on something... Sometimes you don't know the whole story, whether or not I feel like writing it all or what. Sometimes I don't feel like writing about the things that are closest to my heart. Those are my things... Until right now.
Some of you may remember that last summer my gynecologist discovered that I had a mild abnomality in my pap, which turned out to be a mild form of HPV. The whole thing turned out to be less of a big deal than I had originally thought. I just had to have a Pap every three months to make sure the cells didn't develop fully. As long as they stayed the same,I was reassured that it would go away, most people have it without even knowing. At the end of May I was in the gynecologist's office waiting for my third pap. I was also going to have a full STD screen. So as I'm sitting there flipping through some magazine like "Good Housekeeping" and women keep trickling in, with their babies. I guess spring really is the time to have one. The waiting room isn't that big and it seemed that I was surrounded. I started to have a strange feeling, a tightening in my throat. I was distracted from the riveting article I was reading about frosting cookies. Then something very weird happened. One of the moms sat her baby's carrier in the seat next to me, she started chatting with the lady next to her and the baby and I looked at each other. As we stared into each other's eyes I felt that tightening in my throat even more. Then my name was called. When I got out of my appointment there were even more new moms in the waiting room. I took the stairs instead of the elevator and somewhere around the third floor I started to cry. I called D. I said "I wish I could have my own baby." He was very soothing. His voice hugged me through the phone.
That was almost a month before he even said anything to me about the issue. My boyfriend is a good person, and he is the last person in the world who wants to hurt me. He just got into a huge fight with his boss about having my birthday off. He risked losing his job over it, but he knows how important my birthday is to me. I don't need to justify to you that he's a better person than you could ever imagine, but I've spent a lot of time and words here bitching about him. Maybe he deserves some on what a fantastic man he is.
My sister has Down Syndrome, and sometimes (ok a lot of times) that makes people a little uncomfortable. D admitted to me straight off that it made him nervous. But he didn't act nervous, and he didn't act fake either. They just liked each other right away. They love to play card games to each other, and she always asks where he is. She even makes some pretty funny ex-jokes about E, then makes sure to identify D as "the boyfriend"... The two of them are so sweet to each other. He says that someday when my parents are too old to take care of her, or are gone, he wants her to live with us. Since she's already asked twice to move in with us, she'd probably love that too. By the way, he said that to me two days ago, right after getting off the phone with her... Yep, sounds like we're breaking up.
The really cool thing is that D used to teach Special Olympics swimming when he was a swimmer, he never mentioned that to me until after he met her. He said he didn't want to come off like he knew all about what it was like to be around kids with special needs, he said each one is an individual. He was nervous to meet Catherine because she way MY sister, not because she has Down Syndrome.... And while I'm bragging... D had the opportunity to be an Olympic Swimmer, that's how he got the gig at Special Olympics.
He got into a school that's been known as the MIT of the west. Gotta say I'm pretty proud of him for that. Sometimes the really smart math and science types look down upon the English/History types like me. Not D. He tells me all the time that he thinks what I do is beautiful.
I proud of the things he's done in the Army. They've made him a better person. On peacekeeping missions in Haiti and Egypt he's seen things that I consider worse than war. People starving, without medical help, and he's helped them. Say whatever you want about the US Army. My boyfriend is my hero for the lives he's helped save.
I don't have time to keep going on about how great he is, or how our relationship has finally transformed into what is the best thing that's ever happened in my life... But I will tell you, some of your comments really got to me. So a couple of minutes ago in the middle of the swimming paragraph he called me.
ME "Honey are you trying to break up with me?"
HIM "What?"
ME "Did you ask about the baby thing because you want to break up with me?"
HIM LAUGHS
ME "D!"
HIM "Etoile, I'm trying to marry you, not break up with you!"
ME "Really?"
HIM "Yep, you'll just have to wait and see. Trust me."
ME "Ok."
HIM "What do you want to have for dinner?"
I've gotta take some time off from here. Maybe I'm done altogether. I just feel like my writing is censored because I don't want to hear the conflict. OR I feel like I'm writing to respond to you, not to my own life. This has been a great outlet for the madness in my mind for a long time. I'm just not sure that I want it anymore.
When I read your blogs I realize that I don't know even the tiniest bit of what goes on in your real life. I only know exactly what you write. So when you say things that I think are you making unreasonable choices about things, I don't say, because I feel that you probably have your reasons (whether I agree with them or not) and I respect you enough to back off.
I also realize that the advice given is meant in the best way possible. But there comes a point when I think it moves beyond care and into disrespectful. Saying that having a baby with D would be a mistake because he'll end up leaving us both, or that he's using this a way out of our relationship feels disrespectful to me. In fact I laughed when I read both of those comments. If D wanted out, he'd say it. He's not really the type to beat around the bush.
I don't feel like I need to continue to explain myself here. However, I do feel it necessary to let you in on something... Sometimes you don't know the whole story, whether or not I feel like writing it all or what. Sometimes I don't feel like writing about the things that are closest to my heart. Those are my things... Until right now.
Some of you may remember that last summer my gynecologist discovered that I had a mild abnomality in my pap, which turned out to be a mild form of HPV. The whole thing turned out to be less of a big deal than I had originally thought. I just had to have a Pap every three months to make sure the cells didn't develop fully. As long as they stayed the same,I was reassured that it would go away, most people have it without even knowing. At the end of May I was in the gynecologist's office waiting for my third pap. I was also going to have a full STD screen. So as I'm sitting there flipping through some magazine like "Good Housekeeping" and women keep trickling in, with their babies. I guess spring really is the time to have one. The waiting room isn't that big and it seemed that I was surrounded. I started to have a strange feeling, a tightening in my throat. I was distracted from the riveting article I was reading about frosting cookies. Then something very weird happened. One of the moms sat her baby's carrier in the seat next to me, she started chatting with the lady next to her and the baby and I looked at each other. As we stared into each other's eyes I felt that tightening in my throat even more. Then my name was called. When I got out of my appointment there were even more new moms in the waiting room. I took the stairs instead of the elevator and somewhere around the third floor I started to cry. I called D. I said "I wish I could have my own baby." He was very soothing. His voice hugged me through the phone.
That was almost a month before he even said anything to me about the issue. My boyfriend is a good person, and he is the last person in the world who wants to hurt me. He just got into a huge fight with his boss about having my birthday off. He risked losing his job over it, but he knows how important my birthday is to me. I don't need to justify to you that he's a better person than you could ever imagine, but I've spent a lot of time and words here bitching about him. Maybe he deserves some on what a fantastic man he is.
My sister has Down Syndrome, and sometimes (ok a lot of times) that makes people a little uncomfortable. D admitted to me straight off that it made him nervous. But he didn't act nervous, and he didn't act fake either. They just liked each other right away. They love to play card games to each other, and she always asks where he is. She even makes some pretty funny ex-jokes about E, then makes sure to identify D as "the boyfriend"... The two of them are so sweet to each other. He says that someday when my parents are too old to take care of her, or are gone, he wants her to live with us. Since she's already asked twice to move in with us, she'd probably love that too. By the way, he said that to me two days ago, right after getting off the phone with her... Yep, sounds like we're breaking up.
The really cool thing is that D used to teach Special Olympics swimming when he was a swimmer, he never mentioned that to me until after he met her. He said he didn't want to come off like he knew all about what it was like to be around kids with special needs, he said each one is an individual. He was nervous to meet Catherine because she way MY sister, not because she has Down Syndrome.... And while I'm bragging... D had the opportunity to be an Olympic Swimmer, that's how he got the gig at Special Olympics.
He got into a school that's been known as the MIT of the west. Gotta say I'm pretty proud of him for that. Sometimes the really smart math and science types look down upon the English/History types like me. Not D. He tells me all the time that he thinks what I do is beautiful.
I proud of the things he's done in the Army. They've made him a better person. On peacekeeping missions in Haiti and Egypt he's seen things that I consider worse than war. People starving, without medical help, and he's helped them. Say whatever you want about the US Army. My boyfriend is my hero for the lives he's helped save.
I don't have time to keep going on about how great he is, or how our relationship has finally transformed into what is the best thing that's ever happened in my life... But I will tell you, some of your comments really got to me. So a couple of minutes ago in the middle of the swimming paragraph he called me.
ME "Honey are you trying to break up with me?"
HIM "What?"
ME "Did you ask about the baby thing because you want to break up with me?"
HIM LAUGHS
ME "D!"
HIM "Etoile, I'm trying to marry you, not break up with you!"
ME "Really?"
HIM "Yep, you'll just have to wait and see. Trust me."
ME "Ok."
HIM "What do you want to have for dinner?"
I've gotta take some time off from here. Maybe I'm done altogether. I just feel like my writing is censored because I don't want to hear the conflict. OR I feel like I'm writing to respond to you, not to my own life. This has been a great outlet for the madness in my mind for a long time. I'm just not sure that I want it anymore.
6 Comments:
Well thats aimed right at me, so heres my reply. Its nice to hear something nice about D. I like reading your stuff although I get really wound up sometimes with what you write about him because you make him out to be so awful but constantly put up with it - sorry but that invokes a reaction with me. I was offended that in your situation he could be so hurtful as to bring that topic up again when he knows the score. Maybe you do write it very one sidedly - in which case you'd expect people to dislike him because he's portrayed as a baddie... I do tend to include how vindictive I am in my stories so things balance out - we aren't all the same. The comments box is just that - its not a 'Praise my ass up here' box you have to expect good and bad in it, its your choice to have it there. - although I will hold my hands up that Im far too cutting sometimes, I cant apologise for it - I'd spend my whole life apologising.
You keep writing chick - I'll keep my thoughts to myself. One other thing maybe you can answer tho - Are you going to keep on blogging when you've moved in together?
I don't know if I'll keep blogging when we move in together. I might just be done blogging.
That has nothing to do with him, he knows I blog, he thinks it's great that I write everyday. He even knows that I vent my anger about him all over the place. He says that's better than keeping it inside. I'm inclined to agree.
I just know in the past you've been worried that he might stumble on it thats why I wondered. Everyone needs a venting post.
Yeah, I'm terrible at keeping secrets. I just told him one night a few months ago. His general attitude was "Whatever you want, I won't invade your privacy." He also knows that I can't keep my damn mouth shut if I have something to say.
:-) See you can't be too angry with me - we're not so different!
I've got a wicked temper too...
It flares up, then five minutes later I'm not mad anymore... But it's too late, I've already opened my mouth.
However, I have been known to hold a grudge if I hold my tongue. It just stays in there instead of disappearing.
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