I am sick and tired of starting over.
I have started over with friends, boyfriends, cities, schools and life in general two times now. This will be my third. Things just seem to be going really poorly with me and D. His brother being here right when he got home made things more difficult.
My friend situation is not much better. I'm not getting into it, but today when I spent an hour in my apartment crying my eyes out because D and I got into ANOTHER enormous fight I felt like I had almost nobody to call.
Apparently I just need to get over this whole "dad dying" thing. The fact that I'm still upset and emotionally bankrupt from the last six months seems inconvenient for some people. Also, I didn't know that having a panic attack after being ignored for 48 hours, then yelled at was a fake tactic I made up to make others mad. I just thought it was a sad side effect of having an extremely large anxiety disorder, one I've had for quite some time now. I am who I am, and unfortunately I'm not the best version of myself right now. SO, SO SORRY.
Personally, I'm more than a little sick of feeling like I'm not allowed to be off my game. I am devastated. My family is devastated. Watching my dad die slowly and painfully for six months was one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. Not being able to be there every day made things even harder. I know people are sick of thinking about it, but he was my dad. I think I deserve to be cut a little bit of slack and extra consideration right now. I expected it most from my boyfriend. Please, nobody say "I told you so"...
I keep trying to be optimistic that things are going to start to get better. It just feels like there's nothing worse that can happen, then something worse happens. For example, I thought "now my Dad is dead, things will settle down." Things did NOT settle down.
The bottom line is that I'm feeling like starting almost all the way over again is about my only option right now. I'm looking into seeing if I can get the professors who wrote recommendations for grad school to write a few more for me. I think I have to get out of here and start over for real.
I'm happier than ever that I started planning this trip, now if only I could leave sooner.
I have started over with friends, boyfriends, cities, schools and life in general two times now. This will be my third. Things just seem to be going really poorly with me and D. His brother being here right when he got home made things more difficult.
My friend situation is not much better. I'm not getting into it, but today when I spent an hour in my apartment crying my eyes out because D and I got into ANOTHER enormous fight I felt like I had almost nobody to call.
Apparently I just need to get over this whole "dad dying" thing. The fact that I'm still upset and emotionally bankrupt from the last six months seems inconvenient for some people. Also, I didn't know that having a panic attack after being ignored for 48 hours, then yelled at was a fake tactic I made up to make others mad. I just thought it was a sad side effect of having an extremely large anxiety disorder, one I've had for quite some time now. I am who I am, and unfortunately I'm not the best version of myself right now. SO, SO SORRY.
Personally, I'm more than a little sick of feeling like I'm not allowed to be off my game. I am devastated. My family is devastated. Watching my dad die slowly and painfully for six months was one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. Not being able to be there every day made things even harder. I know people are sick of thinking about it, but he was my dad. I think I deserve to be cut a little bit of slack and extra consideration right now. I expected it most from my boyfriend. Please, nobody say "I told you so"...
I keep trying to be optimistic that things are going to start to get better. It just feels like there's nothing worse that can happen, then something worse happens. For example, I thought "now my Dad is dead, things will settle down." Things did NOT settle down.
The bottom line is that I'm feeling like starting almost all the way over again is about my only option right now. I'm looking into seeing if I can get the professors who wrote recommendations for grad school to write a few more for me. I think I have to get out of here and start over for real.
I'm happier than ever that I started planning this trip, now if only I could leave sooner.
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