I've never really thought about what a "loser" is til I met E. He doesn't look like a loser. He's incredibly good looking, dresses well, has a smile that would melt your heart... He doesn't, on the surface, act like a loser. He bright, charismatic, really funny. But I woke up this morning, and as I sat in bed waiting to wake up fully it came to me; E is the biggest loser I've ever, ever met. This was a bit of a shock.
I was talking to him on the phone last night, telling him I don't think that we should hang out anymore, mostly because it's kind of confusing, given that he's seeing someone , and I'm still seeing D sometimes, etc. etc. I can't play the part of the "other woman" it's just not in me to do it. Even though I hate the girl he's seeing (I've known her for years) it kind of makes me sad to think about how hurt she'd be if she could hear all the things he said to me the other night. It also gives me that mean, warm fuzzy feeling, since I hate her. But that's not the point. What I didn't end up telling him is how much I've lost respect for him. This morning I realized it's because he's a loser.
Before, it might have seemed like he was more of a loser, he was struggling with money, didn't have a car, he needed a lot of help. He was less of a loser then. He cared about people who cared about him. Now he'd fuck anyone over to get what he wants. His life just seems so empty to me, so completely self-serving. I'm pretty selfish, but he makes me look like a saint in comparison. He slacks off in school because he's too busy going out every night getting loaded. He doesn't have any real friends. He has plenty of people to hang out with, but they only like him because he makes them look cooler. I have a pretty good feeling that this girl he's with only likes him because they have the same interests and he'll pay her way into the things she wants to do.
At first I was so jealous. I used to love to go out and watch movies, and generally forget about all the things I was responsible for. Even things as basic as just cleaning up the apartment. That was how we lived. We partied as much as possible, spending money we didn't have on coke and liquour. It was stupid, and empty. We wasted all our love on shit that wouldn't love us back. We forgot to love each other. E is still doing that same shit. No, he's not blowing money on coke anymore, and I'm happy for him for it. But he still shirks the simple responsibilities that he has in favor of partying.
I hear him complain all the time about how it's somebody else's fault whenever something else goes wrong. I've never heard him just take personal responsibility for something, ever. The car accident that he got into a few months ago, even though the police found him at fault, he declares it was the other guy. The fact that J got hurt when the two of them got together, that's J's fault for being so stupid as to think that she'd EVER go for him. It wasn't ever HER fault for leading him on. If he doesn't make a good grade the teacher was unfair, not that he didn't study. It's always someone else. Not him.
I can't stand that. I really believe that the more you take responsibility for the things that go on in your life, the less you try to screw people over when moving up life's ladder, that's the way you get better at it all. The more people you screw, the more karma will come back for you. Somehow E's managed to dodge it for a long time, it only comes back to him in little bits. I wouldn't want to be around when it hits him. Seems like the fallout will be a real bitch.
I couldn't help but smile a little when all this occurred to me. I wanted to hang out with him because somehow I thought that being around some more people might make me feel cooler. Let's face it, I'm not cool. Not like that anyway. I'm kind of a dork, and I don't mind. Finally, I don't mind.
I was talking to him on the phone last night, telling him I don't think that we should hang out anymore, mostly because it's kind of confusing, given that he's seeing someone , and I'm still seeing D sometimes, etc. etc. I can't play the part of the "other woman" it's just not in me to do it. Even though I hate the girl he's seeing (I've known her for years) it kind of makes me sad to think about how hurt she'd be if she could hear all the things he said to me the other night. It also gives me that mean, warm fuzzy feeling, since I hate her. But that's not the point. What I didn't end up telling him is how much I've lost respect for him. This morning I realized it's because he's a loser.
Before, it might have seemed like he was more of a loser, he was struggling with money, didn't have a car, he needed a lot of help. He was less of a loser then. He cared about people who cared about him. Now he'd fuck anyone over to get what he wants. His life just seems so empty to me, so completely self-serving. I'm pretty selfish, but he makes me look like a saint in comparison. He slacks off in school because he's too busy going out every night getting loaded. He doesn't have any real friends. He has plenty of people to hang out with, but they only like him because he makes them look cooler. I have a pretty good feeling that this girl he's with only likes him because they have the same interests and he'll pay her way into the things she wants to do.
At first I was so jealous. I used to love to go out and watch movies, and generally forget about all the things I was responsible for. Even things as basic as just cleaning up the apartment. That was how we lived. We partied as much as possible, spending money we didn't have on coke and liquour. It was stupid, and empty. We wasted all our love on shit that wouldn't love us back. We forgot to love each other. E is still doing that same shit. No, he's not blowing money on coke anymore, and I'm happy for him for it. But he still shirks the simple responsibilities that he has in favor of partying.
I hear him complain all the time about how it's somebody else's fault whenever something else goes wrong. I've never heard him just take personal responsibility for something, ever. The car accident that he got into a few months ago, even though the police found him at fault, he declares it was the other guy. The fact that J got hurt when the two of them got together, that's J's fault for being so stupid as to think that she'd EVER go for him. It wasn't ever HER fault for leading him on. If he doesn't make a good grade the teacher was unfair, not that he didn't study. It's always someone else. Not him.
I can't stand that. I really believe that the more you take responsibility for the things that go on in your life, the less you try to screw people over when moving up life's ladder, that's the way you get better at it all. The more people you screw, the more karma will come back for you. Somehow E's managed to dodge it for a long time, it only comes back to him in little bits. I wouldn't want to be around when it hits him. Seems like the fallout will be a real bitch.
I couldn't help but smile a little when all this occurred to me. I wanted to hang out with him because somehow I thought that being around some more people might make me feel cooler. Let's face it, I'm not cool. Not like that anyway. I'm kind of a dork, and I don't mind. Finally, I don't mind.
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