There was a box that I have carried with me since I lived in Boulder. I wasn't sure exactly what was in it because there were always a few miscellaneous things on top that disguised it. I had thought for the past three moves that it was just one of those junk boxes.
Today I was ambitious. Determined not to continue to carry junk around with me anymore I opened it. There were several things in the "junk" category at the top of the box. They were quickly discarded and upon their removal the box's actual content was revealed.
The box was full of journals, pictures and postcards, all from times I'd rather not remember just now. Unfortunately, my curiosity got the better of me. I spent a large part of the morning reading through journals. I can't express to you how much I wish I wouldn't have.
Memories of times gone past flooded me. I found this beautiful picture of me and E. We're literally beaming, his arms are around me and my fingers are entangled with his and we look like we want to be touching each other so much it hurts. The smiles on our faces are so genuine. Then there are pictures of D, holding one of the cats and hamming for the camera, letters from The Ex telling me how he'll love me forever.
It all seems so pointless. It all ends. Love ends. People go away. When things get hard people leave. That's how it always works, or maybe I just know how to pick the leavers. I think almost everyone I know wishes I'd just break up with D. I think I wish I'd break up with him. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to be alone. It isn't just alone, it's without him. I don't really have him now, but I've loved him for so long...
I'd just like to crawl into a corner and hide from this. I don't think I can try to get over him again. My heart will break and break. Smithereens.
Today I was ambitious. Determined not to continue to carry junk around with me anymore I opened it. There were several things in the "junk" category at the top of the box. They were quickly discarded and upon their removal the box's actual content was revealed.
The box was full of journals, pictures and postcards, all from times I'd rather not remember just now. Unfortunately, my curiosity got the better of me. I spent a large part of the morning reading through journals. I can't express to you how much I wish I wouldn't have.
Memories of times gone past flooded me. I found this beautiful picture of me and E. We're literally beaming, his arms are around me and my fingers are entangled with his and we look like we want to be touching each other so much it hurts. The smiles on our faces are so genuine. Then there are pictures of D, holding one of the cats and hamming for the camera, letters from The Ex telling me how he'll love me forever.
It all seems so pointless. It all ends. Love ends. People go away. When things get hard people leave. That's how it always works, or maybe I just know how to pick the leavers. I think almost everyone I know wishes I'd just break up with D. I think I wish I'd break up with him. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to be alone. It isn't just alone, it's without him. I don't really have him now, but I've loved him for so long...
I'd just like to crawl into a corner and hide from this. I don't think I can try to get over him again. My heart will break and break. Smithereens.
1 Comments:
I have a box of those bits and pieces that I've been debating for years whether I should throw it away or not. It doesnt do me any good to dig through my past, I dont know why I want to keep it all - incase I forget? Maybe I'd feel lighter if I did forget. How long can you move on for when the past is sitting in a box in the next room ready to turn you upside down at the slightest peep!?
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