I had this dream last night that included a fair number of soap opera stars... So that was weird. It also included a lot of men being weirdly kind to me. Since most of them were soap opera guys it was an altogether pleasant experience. The creepy part was that everyone in the dream was talking about D, but he never showed up.

It's like that. He is never around. I've been on my own so much that I feel single. Being together in name only was like training wheels for the single world. I'm thinking I needed to ease back in after almost eight years of serial monogamy. But it's hard to let him go.

I wonder where we will be in ten years. Will I have mostly forgotten him? Or will he find a way to still be in my life? It isn't about love. I love him. I'm pretty sure he loves me. It's just that our relationship has been crap from the start. We needed something fresh, and all we got was old junk. I feel that I’ve done all I can. If he doesn’t want to do some of the work I can’t make him. I can’t stay either.

I don't think I'll ever be able to shut the door tight on D. He's too much a part of me to close him out completely. Our relationship is contaminated and poisoned. I can't continue to live on these levels of anxiety and anger. I need to forgive him for the promises that he didn't mean to break, and his leaving ways. Once I forgive him I will be able to see him, to see if I even still love him the way I think that I do.